Meet Testosterone Jesus. Other Jesuses are available.
Gabe Poirot says he met a fiery, testosterone-packed Jesus. Other visitors to the supernatural appear to have been shown a different model.
Here at Second-Hand News, we had not realised the Second Coming would require a testosterone assessment. Fortunately, Christian evangelist Gabe Poirot has apparently been upstairs and checked.
Poirot says he encountered Jesus during an 18-day coma following a skateboarding accident in 2021. His description, reported by PinkNews, includes this magnificent contribution to theology: “Talk about testosterone, like a Mustang”.
Finally, a messiah you can describe using the vocabulary of a man trying to sell you something with an engine.
According to the account, Jesus stood roughly five feet eleven to six feet tall, but was also “as tall as eternity”. An ambitious range for a trouser fitting. His eyes burned white and red. Poirot also described immense love; the encounter was not simply an audition for a nightclub security vacancy.
The Fox News interview page is dated 14 March 2026; the claims have resurfaced in October coverage. Yesterday’s news, today. For once, somebody else has done our filing.
The eyewitness department has a problem
A person can be utterly sincere about an experience without their interpretation becoming an established fact. Poirot’s certainty tells us he is certain. It does not give the rest of us a visitor’s pass to heaven.
And he is hardly the only person claiming a personal introduction. Once you compare the descriptions, the celestial identification parade becomes rather less straightforward.
Take Colton Burpo, whose childhood account became Heaven Is for Real. In a 2014 interview with TheBlaze, he described Jesus with brown hair, a brown beard, an extraordinarily bright smile and eyes that were “beautiful sea blue”.
Sea blue. Not burning white and red. Those are appreciably different answers to the same question on a passport application.
If two witnesses describe different eye colours, we normally ask more questions. We do not declare the discrepancy a miracle and send both accounts straight to the factual reference section.
This Jesus would need a high chair
For a more substantial departure from the muscular adult, consider the Polish Catholic mystic St Faustina Kowalska. In Diary entry 1481, reproduced by the Divine Mercy ministry, she described seeing Jesus during Mass as a child of about one year old. He asked her to take him in her arms and cuddled close to her.
This was a devotional vision, not a coma story. Its stated lesson concerned spiritual childhood. But it is another person’s account of seeing Jesus, and the physical description is decidedly different.
We have gone from a testosterone endorsement to somebody asking to be picked up. Before commissioning the definitive portrait, perhaps we should at least settle whether the subject requires shaving foam or a bib.
Which Jesus did you order?Our question, not a quotation from any claimant.
A believer may reasonably reply that Jesus could appear differently to different people: adult or infant, literal figure or symbolic vision. That would explain why the accounts need not be logically incompatible.
Fine. But it also means we cannot treat one man’s private encounter as a definitive physical description. You cannot tell us the appearance changes according to the viewer, then brandish your preferred version as though somebody has brought back a photograph and a tape measure.
A vivid experience is not a verified report
The absurdity is the promotion of personal conviction into public proof. Three people reporting visions gives us three reported visions. It does not automatically give us three independent confirmations of what exists beyond death.
If I tell you my latest fever dream involved a talking wardrobe, you might ask how I slept. You would not immediately consult it about interior design. Adding a religious figure does not remove the need to establish what actually happened.
That is not a diagnosis of Poirot, or an accusation that he invented his experience. We do not know what produced it. Neither the seriousness of his accident nor the strength of his belief supplies independent evidence for his interpretation.
Believe the Mustang account if you like. Prefer the sea-blue eyes. Find meaning in Faustina’s infant vision. But if the rest of us are expected to accept a heavenly travelogue as fact, “I experienced it” is where the questions begin.
For now, the testosterone level remains unverified. So does the inside leg.
The reporting behind this story
Original commentary based on reported claims and first-person accounts checked on 10 October 2026. These sources document what the claimants said; they do not independently verify a supernatural encounter.
- PinkNews — Poirot’s account, height, eyes and Mustang comparison · 7 October 2026
- Fox News — original interview page · 14 March 2026
- TheBlaze — interview with Colton Burpo describing Jesus · 18 April 2014
- The Divine Mercy — excerpts from St Faustina’s diary, including entry 1481 · 17 December 2019
This is satirical commentary on public claims. The wardrobe, passport, clothing and high-chair comparisons are our jokes. “Fever dream” describes the writer’s hypothetical example, not a medical finding about any claimant.